Our pathway through life is not one of solitude. Even when we feel alone or like we don't know how we got here, it is connection that can inform us. Connection, which can pull us out of a corner that we do not want to be in.
It can be easy in the day-to-day not to realize this story, this woven narrative. And it is in the moments of reflection that they can become ever so opaque.
My aunt passed away this week.
She had fallen victim to multiple strokes over the years, but this last one was just one too many. I remember hearing about it and hearing the words "she will likely not recover from this one", and feeling numb. I have a poor habit of keeping a distance from people, not out of malice but just an ever-shifting list of priorities. ADHD doesn't help this, I can go years without talking to a friend, and pick back up like not a day has passed. It's a weird, magical aspect of my brain.
I went numb, but I didn't really know why. I just assumed there was some family drama that had occurred in the past few years was the reason for this feeling. It wasn't until I was talking with my wife about it that connections started to form...
I've always been a bit of a dreamer when it comes to what I'd like to do.
When I was in high school I wanted to be a 3D animator. Then I wanted to get into running a business. Then I wanted to be a game dev. Then I wanted to join the Navy special forces. I was all over the place. The thing I acutely remember about this period of my life was feeling very isolated from my family. Either my ambitions were too unrealistic, or they were risky, or downright dangerous. I would share these aspirations with my aunt though. And she was always so supportive.
When I wanted to get into 3D animation; she'd go research all sorts of stuff to help me out. Art schools with 3D animation programs. What kind of software I could use, what ones were free, or what ones had free trials. She showed me Toon Boom way back in the day and found out that I could use Autodesk Maya for free as a student. Now granted, I had no hope in hell to figure out that stuff on my own, but she'd plant the seed, give me a bunch of resources, and send me off on my way.
When I was getting into business stuff she'd share some of the things she and my grandfather would do with a business license so that they could get some small freelance contract kinda stuff in a way that was easier to keep track of and provided liability. I had no idea what liability was. I was a teenager barely pulling a 2.6 GPA in high school.
When I wanted to get into game dev, she found out some schools that also had game dev or design programs. She'd chat with me about my ideas and was always willing to share with her friends or ask them if they'd any advice for a fledgling game dev. She might have even been the person who first showed me Unity3D back when it was like Unity 3 or something.
And when I felt like all my other options were exhausted, I thought I'd just join the military. And she took me to learn to shoot.
She didn't make me feel like a failure for wanting to pursue anything. She never did.
I'm standing on the cusp of what I wanted to do so long ago, what I was so excited about. And I know she would be so happy to see where I'm at now. I'll never get that chance to tell her thank you. Thank you for believing in me. Thank you for always being such a support for me when I felt so alone. And thank you for always encouraging me to go for it, even when the odds seem so heavily stacked against me.
Even on things we passionately disagreed about, you always took the time to listen.
I hope that you are at peace now.
Your friends and your family owe you for the unwavering support you provided.
Do not fail to reflect on your inspirations, do not lose the opportunity to share your journey with them.